daman4469

3 months

2009-01-02T05:28:11Z

Even after 3 months, the days still feel the same. It seems like no matter what I do or where I start, I always end up at the same place. I love where I live, and always have; but it isn't easy living here. I feel my parents everwhere I go. And, in one way or another, they affect and are the driving force in the decions I make every day. In some ways, I feel at peace. In other ways, I feel haunted. It's funny how the world works. Sometimes even the people who you thought would be so sensitive, don't have brakes on their world, even when yours seems to have stopped. To some, life goes on. To others, it will never be the same. I feel sometimes like people build up their walls so high that they can't get out. True or not, the story ends the same. Life isn't fragile. It's fraile. Although you may spend years building a home, it takes one day to tear it down. I have such a beautiful place to come home to. But something is missing. The enveyonce that surround this place has since gone. And it isn't just me. I see it in everything. The grass isn't quite as nice. The trees seem to be willowed, and wildlife doesn't seem to be at peace anymore. As I smell the air right now, I wonder, 'What could have been?' A lifetime of love and hard work dissapears in just minutes. Its hard sometimes not to wonder, 'Why me?' I have been dealt the queen of diamonds, the unplayable hand. So have many others. Maybe I think too much. But I always think, 'What would mom and dad do?' Not a second goes by where I don't think about what happened. There is no dollar sign on life. But if there was, I would spend my every last dime. If even for 10 seconds. Sometimes I wish I could forget that day. Other times, I pray that I'll remember. No words really help anymore. Painting the walls and changing looks won't make a difference. That isn't the problem. The problem is that I have seem firsthand, God, we need some help down here.

A New Year's Heartbreak

2008-01-01T07:37:05Z

Well, the new year comes in and nothing can stop it, and it seems that nothing can stop someone when they love someone else. Have you ever known someone that you liked, and they liked you, but were hung on someone else and no matter what you did, no matter how much you poured your heart out to them, it just wasnt enough? Sure you have. Thats what I'm dealing with. I listen, I talk, I tell her what she needs to hear, and I care about her. I answer her phone calls at 3 AM, I listen to her spill her heart out. I spill mine to her too, and it just seems to soar right over her head. As cliche as it sounds, it is true - nice guys finish last. I am sick of finishing last. So I'm done. I'm done listening, I'm done answering her calls. I'm done being there for her. I care so much, genuinely, and yet she doesnt see it, no matter how hard I try. I look in her eyes while she cries to me. Its hard to not care, and I still do. But I'm going to pretend I don't care, then hopefully someday I won't. But I care, and I will, for a long time. I guess its time to pretend. Pretend that I don't care about someone, pretend that their pretty eyes have no effect on me. So from here on out, if you need someone to care about you, I'm free. Goodnight all, and happy new year.

Thanks you

2005-08-06T06:20:10Z

I am so glad it's the weekend...I dont know why, I just am. I think it's because I remember the days when weekends actually were weekends...getting up early on saturday morning and watching cartoons, riding bikes with friends, not having a care in the world. I thought a lot today about old times. In September of 2001, two of my 3 best friends moved away to arkansas. It hurt then, but the echo of hurt is so much worse. As time goes on, I miss those days even more. Tonight, as I smelled the august nighttime air, it brought back so many memories. The smell of summer in the air made me think about the times when we would camp out, stay up all night, walking around the country roads, thinking we were at the top of the world. Now I know we were. We were at the top of our world, the peak of our lives. Looking back, it was so great. We had so much to look forward to, so little to worry about, so much time to kill, and our best friends to do it with. The smell of the air tonight made me remember the evenings riding bikes along the road, making ramps out of old boards, drinking soda, listening to music, and just being ourselves. We weren't trying to be anything, we were just being ourselves, being who we really were. Little did we know then that we were making memories that we would remember forever, that would touch us like nothing else could. I thought of our trips to the sandbanks, going because we were bored. But we weren't bored. I remember sitting in Jeff's garage, doing nothing...but it was so much fun. If I could do it all again, I would. I'd do it forever. Those days mean more than anything else. Tonight, I thought long and hard about how close we were - and still are. We were such good friends that we could tell what someone was going to say, before they said it. We laughed, cried, got injured, argued, fought, and did everything together. Friends like that never go away. They are gone, but their hearts are still here. I still remember riding dirtbikes together, it was our passion. We were all going to be professional motocross racers. Well, Steve is a mechanic, Jeff is gonna be an engineer, and I'm going to be a computer guru. Things change just like the direction of the wind. One thing will never change: They will never stop being my friends. To you, Steve and Jeff: Friends forever. I think about you a lot. Don't ever change. Don't hesitate to ask me for anything. I thought about us playing frisbee golf, hating donnie, having campouts down by the creek, being in Sage together, having our first drinks together, getting in trouble and getting out of it. I remember it all, just like yesterday. The smell in the air reminds me a lot of the smell in the air the night before you left. It makes me remember the last morning we spent together, in your living room. I cried when I walked out. I knew that was the end of our world as we knew it. I thought I would never see my best friends again. I thought I had nobody to turn to. Well, things happen for a reason. We have all found our own direction in life. Some went to college, some to the military, some to secondary education...but the directions all meet at the X. They all intersect. In our minds, in our hearts, they will always come together. So cheers boys...cheers to my best friends.

Rob

:o)

2005-07-12T01:19:09Z

Hello.
Once again, I apologize for my last journal entry. I just....was grasping at straws, hoping maybe things would work out if I just spilled my guts, saying things I don't really mean. But, that relationship is over, I'm a single man....so ladies, line up! Haha, just kidding.
I made a new friend yesterday, and wow, it amazes me. Emily works where I do. When I saw her, she had these pretty blue eyes that kind of just make you unable to turn away, i dunno....hard to explain. Well, I talked to her, and she is amazing. Funny and smart. What more needs said? Anyhoo, she is cool, I could talk to her all day, hopefully we become good friends. If you read this Emily....I dont have a lot of friends that are girls, but I'd like you to be one of them. You make me smile :o)

Well, not really much is new for me. I ordered a new laptop, so i can sit outside and talk online, which should be sweet. I;m off tomorrow, nothing to do, which could be nice. Im one lazy mofo. Well, I'm out, I'll talk later.
A happy Reffdawwg signing off........

I try to make a sound but nobody hears me

2005-07-10T06:05:30Z

I wish I could hold onto the times when nothing mattered, a girls love didn't matter. Well, I'm loveless right now. I can only put up with so much Jess. I'm sorry you said one thing and did another. I can't stand the pain anymore.

How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. I've got nowhere to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?

I'm not even signing off tonight....I'm hanging by a

t
h
r
e
a
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:)

2005-07-02T04:46:26Z

Well...pardon the last journal. Jess and I have talked and everything is great. I love that girl. I realized, she needs her space. Who doesn't? Me crowding her will only hurt things, and make her uncomfortable. I don't want her to feel like she has to call me every second....she doesnt have to, and I know that. Jess, I love you!
Weekend is here. Gonna be fun.
A happy Reffdawwg signing off.......

wow

2004-09-16T04:58:23Z

Wow.... how long has it been since I last updated? Well, a pretty damn long time. A lot has changed, so here goes:

I started my first semester at my new college---Mount Aloysius College. As far as the college itself, it is cleaner, neater, and more Harvard-looking than Ship. The campus picture looks like it would cost about 100,000 dollars a year to go there...although its about 19,000 a year. As far as the faculty...well, they are much more personable. Although all of my professors at Ship knew my name, I had some classes where I didn't even put my name on a test....just my Social Security #. The professor had no clue who's test he was grading, and to me, that was just not right. As far as classes, they are pretty easy...but I am learning a lot because I am actually studying. But the overall experience is very positive, not that Ship wasn't. This college just better suits my lifestyle.
As I have been practicing guitar for quite a while now, I have been writing my own songs for a while too-no intentions, just pure lyrics from my mind to paper. However, a lot of people liked my music, and I took some of my stuff to DBM studios in Harrisburg...a buddy of mine is an art major, and he has some connections. So anyhow, I went there and they really liked my stuff, especially some of my lyrics. They liked the fact that it resembles Dave Matthews and other familiar artists, but it has it's own style as well. So I got a "record deal", and I start recording next Sunday. However, don't be fooled...the recording for my album, titled "Behind Closed Doors", will not even be finished until August of '05. It is a very touchy process. One small mistake on my part, and the whole song has to be re-recorded. One small crack in my voice and...yep, you got it, i have to re-record. Not to mention that Cd's need made, cover/design graphics need produced, and other small details such as what order the songs will appear in on the record need sorted out. The official site of Rob Reffner is under construction, http://robertreffner.tripod.com, soon to be just robertreffner.com. For now, I'm having lots of fun with this, but who knows? Maybe I'll hit the mainstream. Rob Reffner, signing off.

Summer

2004-07-18T05:41:24Z

Wow, has summer even gotten here yet? It just got here, but it's already the middle of July. Hard to believe. Well a lot has happened since I last updated.

First of all, after years of practice, I finally have my own gig coming up in 3 weeks. I'll be playing live in front of about 200 people, which is a big crowd for a rookie. Wanna know the songs I'll be playing? Well you'll have to come watch if you want to know that. August 7th, 7pm, Bennigans.
Yea, Katie Kling is an awesome girl too.

Well that's all for now, peace.

An excited Reffdawwg signing off..........

Vacation!!!!

2004-06-14T23:52:22Z

Yes, I am Rob Martin. However, being such a tool pays off every once in a while, particularly this time of year, when I take off work for a week and get paid for it. I think I'll be making a trip to Ocean City, or perhaps Raystown. Either way, it's gonna be good.

I went to a funeral today. I didn't know the gentleman personally, but something was said there that really shows how valuable family really is. When speaking at the service, the man's daughter said "When someone would shoot a good golf shot, he would always say 'That shot was OK, if you like 'em perfect' ". She continued on, and said, "Our dad was a great one. We could think of only one word to describe him. He was OK, if you like 'em perfect."

And, just a little tribute here: I love you, punk :)

An enlightened Reffdawwg signing off.........

The Reason

2004-06-14T04:24:59Z

In a society where laws were once based on religious beliefs and morals, the latter are now based upon law. No longer is it ok to believe something religious, if the law condemns it. Hate gays? Does your religion say it's wrong? Well, that doesn't matter, because there is this little thing called seperation of church and state. Morals have taken a backseat to political correctness, to the decisions of a few radical lawmakers. What has happened to morals in our fast paced society? Morals have been around longer than any law; They have withstood the test of time. Should we not heed their warning? Even music has taken the "no God, Apocalypse now" attitude. However, I have found something that gives me a little reassurance in this downward-spiraling world--The Reason, by Hoobastank. It goes a little something like this (Pay special attention to the chorus) :

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know...

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
And be the one that catches all your tears
But I just need you to hear...

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you...
And the reason is You...
And the reason is you...
And the reason is You.

-Notice anything different? Well that's exactly how the lyrics are printed in the album...and I noticed something. The song is twofold. Of course, the common song theme: "I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'll never do it again, I wish I could go back and change everything. I'll change, I promise, just come back to me". However, read the lyrics closer, look at punctuation. Is the word "You" not capitalized sometimes? This, my friends, is a reference to God, the one most of us seem to have forgotten about. It's nice to see that He's not forgotten.

A reassured Reffdawwg, signing off.......

wow

2004-05-26T02:52:36Z

So...........when did I last update? damn I dont even remember. It's been over a month. The last time I updated, I was in the hellhole(thats my dormroom from last year). What all new has happened? Well, not really much. I learned to double clutch my car....pretty tough, but its stuff they did on fast and the furious, so it a) looks cool b) sounds cool c) performs awesome
I like to consider myself pretty laid back when it comes to meeting girls. Many guys just move so fast and everything...but I like to think I don't do that. Anyhow, I met a girl the other day, Alicia..damn she is awesome. I don't know that much about her yet, but I like what I see so far (Even though she lives 1000 miles away).

Ok since I forgot to submit this, I'm updating. The girl mentioned above....yea my hunch was right....she is awesome. I've learned a lot about her and she is really funny and really cute too. As a matter of fact, I'm talking to her right now. Yea, that's pretty much the only reason I'm online right now--Alicia. But, I want to get back to talking to her...so peace out, I'll update tomorrow

--4 days until camping out

A happy reffdawwg signing off....

Wow

2004-04-27T04:04:32Z

Wow, it's been such a long time since I've updated. I really have no excuse, except the fact that I forget about things very easily and I'm way too lazy to update this journal everyday. A lot has happened since the last time I updated.

First off, I got a new car on April 2, 2004. Subaru Legacy 5 speed. Very nice. Secondly, I am not going to Penn State anymore. I am going to Mt. Aloysius College.

Reffdawwg lacks a love life, but I'm not so sure that's not a good thing. I kind of enjoy being single and able to be a pimp. Just kidding, Id never do such a thing. Well I will update more tomorrow, for I am not on my computer.

An anxious Reffdawwg signing off.....(4 days of classes left)

daman4469 @ 2004-03-24T23:47:00

2004-02-26T06:15:09Z

I haven't updated in a while, so here goes all of what you've missed.

First off, all week I've been seeing newspaper articles bashing Bush for his war efforts and his "Failure to find weapons of mass destruction". The articles continue on, insinuating that that was our only reason for going to war. This is in fact not true. Don't get me wrong, the WMD were significant in our reasons for going to war, but certainly not our only reason. What about the war on terrorism? Saddam Hussein wasn't just a leader who was innocent and free of nuclear weapons/WMD. Does the world forget about the 5,000+ Kurds that he gassed? Or how about the infinite threats Hussein made to our country, and the world? How about the 3,000 discovered bodies in a mass grave near Baghdad? Do people forget these things? Or don't they matter? Howard Dean said in an interview on ABC, "I never supported the war, and I don't think the world is a better place just because Saddam Hussein is out of power". I couldn't believe my ears/eyes! Removing a villian like that does not make the world a better place? Use your common sense! The most common argument that I hear is this: "We went to Iraq for the oil". We did? Well my gas prices certainly haven't gone down yet! I also love the reasoning, "We didn't need to go in there anyway, we could have negotiated our way through it instead". We negotiated with the damn place/UN for 12 years! 1991-2003! Sure, Saddam let us in to inspect....but we had to wait until he said we could go in, so that he could get rid of anything unlawful. 12 years! And maybe, just maybe, we didn't find anything because we gave him 12 years to move it all into Syria! COMMON SENSE!!!!

Here is one that makes me really mad. The second ammendment-right to bear arms. The democratic party has already annonced that this will be a focal point for their campaign-anti gun laws/gun control. They want to make it harder to get guns, hell, even outlaw them! Why? because they say guns kill. Now this pisses me off. Guns dont kill, people do. Outlawing guns will not help lower the murder rate. It's been tried. Australia: guns are now illegal except for police. The result: A 17% increase in murder crimes. wow! gun control helped! England: Guns are illegal to all except COPs....the result? A 4 % crime rate increase. Canada: guns are illegal, and crime has increased 7 %. So based on those facts alone, gun control doesn't reduce crime. How about this: guns do account for 70 % of murders in the united states. However, half of that is due to gang violence, aka gunfights in harlem/philly. So counting those out, guns account for only 35 %. As a matter of fact, 3 times as many people are killed in automobile accidents each year than are killed by guns. I guess we should outlaw cars then, to reduce deaths/improve society, right? How about the blatant fact that GUNS DON'T KILL, PEOPLE DO! I will set a loaded gun on a table, pointing right toward my face, and I'll let it there all night. Hell, ill walk around with one pointed at my head for the rest of my life. Unless someone pulls the trigger, that gun isn't going to shoot. When someone shoots someone else, does the gun get put on trial? Do they throw the gun in jail, place it on bail, and sentence it to life? Of course not! They place the person who pulled the trigger on trial. Why? Because THEY shot someone, the gun didn't! Ok next subject!

Gay marriage...what the fuck? I completely, whole-heartedly, 100% support George Bush's push to ban gay marriage via a Constitutional ammendment. To be quite honest, I don't like gay people-let me correct myself..Homosexual people. I think they may be mentally competent in knowledge, but I think somewhere in their mind they are fucked in the head. What makes a man be attracted to a man, or a woman to a woman? It's just not natural. When was the last time you saw two female dogs giving each other oral sex? Yea, I thought so. Although some dolphins do have homosexual sex, this is due to a genetic mutation that occurs after many occurences of HETEROSEXUAL sex. I read an article today(Katha Pollitt, "The Nation") about gay rights. She said that we should "Leave the homosexuals alone, let them live their lives normally." That's fine....but then let us live OUR life normally! It's ok for them to get in our face, but when we get in their face, it's not right. BS!

I'm sorry, but society is in a downward spiral, it's bad bad bad.....we need more people with common sense who support the rational side, not the irrational side.

A Reffdawwg with high blood pressure signing off.......

daman4469 @ 2004-02-22T01:27:00

2004-02-22T06:32:39Z

Well, the weekend is now almost over, and I head back to Shippensburg in about...16 hours. I work in 6 hours, but im still up, oh well. This weekend I didnt do much, but thats typical. I worked today, and i work soon, and then its off to school for another week. I installed a new soundcard into my computer, it sounds so great, you have no idea. I was talking to a certain someone tonigt, and she's really pretty........I hope we hang out sometime. Anyhow, I'm gonig to bed, ill update later today. Peace

daman4469 @ 2004-02-19T13:50:00

2004-02-19T19:05:06Z

Get this....yesterday, I get online to check my bank balance....and it's 0.00 dollars. How the hell does someone get a balance of 0.00? Well, I called the bank, and they somehow reset my account and forgot to make my deposit from last Friday. So I drove 45 minutes to Carlisle, and supposedly got it taken care of. Well, some transactions went through and I got charged overdraft fees...And then they put my deposit through. Well they didn't take off those fees, so I'm waiting for them to call me back...pisses me off. Anyhow, other than that, the day has been great. Slept till noon, i have yet to do anything-thats what college is all about. Todays agenda: Wait for the damn bank, then study for calculus, then do nothing. I might post later, depending on what happens. lata

An awaiting Reffdawwg signing off.......

daman4469 @ 2004-02-18T13:11:00

2004-02-18T18:21:48Z

So far, not a bad day. I woke up at 8, went to all my classes...I kick ass, I havent missed a single class this semester...last semester i missed 24 total haha.....so im on the right track. I talked to a girl named Kate last night, pretty damn cool girl. We are gonna meet sometime, we are so much alike it's scary...but scary is good in this case. I still cant wait until summer, it's coming fast. I wish there would at least be a break in this cold waeather, because it's been below freezing here for about 2 months straight, no kidding. Anyhow, I'll update later after more has happened.

An energetic reffdawwg signing off......

daman4469 @ 2004-02-17T00:09:00

2004-02-17T05:15:49Z

Well I'm updating again, as promised. The rest of my day went well....I never actually got to go to WalMart or the grocery store, but ya know, gotta deal. Hung out with Matt a good bit, went swimming, had some good laughs...all in all it was a great night.
The best part about tonight is that I can stay up pretty damn late, because I only have one class tomorrow, and it's at 12:00...kickass. I take back my approach on girls as well, for I don't think I can remain chaste that long haha....but in all seriousness, I will continue to meet girls...there are soooo many out there. Well enough is enough for one night, so I'm gonna go and play some gamecube.

A cheerful Reffdawwg signing off.......

daman4469 @ 2004-02-16T14:29:00

2004-02-16T19:38:48Z

Monday, 2-16-04.......not a bad day at all so far. I went to classes, did well on some tests....all is swell. Yesterday's post was a little depressing, and I apologize for that....I'm all better now, I'm over it. Today I have to go to Wal Mart, and the grocery store to get some munchies, so I'm a busy guy to say the least. Not to mention my gig coming up and having to be an expert at every damn song I play.
Spring break is coming up fast....really fast. This whole week, next week, and a partial week after that, and then it's spring break time baby!(Until mid march). I'm all pumped up for baseball season...although it pisses me off that the Yankees now have Alex Rodriguez, giving them 6 of the top 15 players in the MLB! BS! Hopefully the Pirates will do well, but you know how that goes...they play their best guys in preseason and they all get injured, leaving them with barely enough players off the DL. Anyhow, I will update later tonight...Now it's of to WalMart and wherever the hell else.

A much more lightened Reffdawwg signing off.......

daman4469 @ 2004-02-15T22:05:00

2004-02-16T03:14:02Z

Sunday........not a bad day...I worked at 7 in the morning and all was a good day, I got my 3 hour nap and everything. I drove back to school, 2 1/2 hr drive went well.

I have decided....I'm done with girls. I can't stand it when a girl acts like she is into me, and secretly has feelings for someone else but doesn't tell me. Ahhh it's so frustrating! I'm sure the right one is out there, I just don't know who it is. But it's break time for me for a while. Don't get me wrong, I will still talk to girls, but no relationships-for now anyway-until I'm out of college.

I honestly cannot wait until summer. Summer at my house is so fun, you don't understand. We have some good friends out all the time to swim, and I am very close friends with their kids. We have a 4th of July party every year too, and it is such a blast. Me and Benny always camp out.....just an all around good time, not to mention the fireworks and swimming and food and the heat! Also I can't wait until June 11th, when my annual camping trip at Raystown begins. Anyhow, enough for tonight........

A raddled Rob signing off......

daman4469 @ 2004-02-14T21:27:00

2004-02-15T02:41:24Z

Valentine's Day has arrived. Although it seemed like it was going to be a pretty uneventful day, it actually ended up not being too bad.
I got to eat dinner with my parents, and got to play some guitar afterward.

I also have a story I have to get off my chest.

Last summer, specifically early August, I was on by buddies screen name looking up info for Warped Tour(which was awesome). One girl (kak0402) IM'ed me, and we started talking. She was really nice, and I gave her my sn so we could chat another time. As soon as I signed on a few days later, her name popped up, and we got to talking again. Anyways, I still talk to her to this day, and I have gotten to know her pretty well. She always compliments me, and she has the prettiest blue eyes I ever saw. She had a fuckup for a bf, but i think(and hope, for her sake) that he is long gone. But last night, right after midnght, she left me a message wishing me happy V-Day. Today again, after work, she left me another voicemail wishing me Happy V-Day. I don't know what this girl sees in me, but I know what I see in her: Everything. I seriously think that if I ever get marrried, it's gonna be her that I marry. Sorry, just had to get that off.

Look for the newest CD on the shelves at your local music store:
Rob Reffner, "Let's Keep it on the Dino"...11 great songs, check them out

Speaking of, I'm out...............peace

daman4469 @ 2004-02-14T12:31:00

2004-02-14T05:41:40Z

Well this is my first journal entry, gotta get the hang of doing this.

Once again, I'm Valentineless on Valentine's Day....but oh well, maybe I'm destined to be single. I realized today how short life really is....it's unbelieveable. We were learning about cancer in bio and how it occurs, and it is really easy to get. Makes you wonder.....

On a lighter note...it seems like playing guitar for 5 years is actually paying off, because I finally got a live gig at Shippensburg University in April, and I get paid 50 bucks to do it. Well that's all for now, I gotta get the hang of this.
This is Reffdawwg, signing off